Canine Ranch, New York City

aced with a veritable deluge of hotels, resorts, and day spas that cater to the cultured canine, the spa-savvy editors of this mag have finally seen fit to take on a columnist to give the public the inside poop on the best of these, i.e., yours truly, Bertie Wooster, AKC.

For my debut, I plucked quite a plum assignment: to go to New York City and Spa-Review the posh Canine Ranch*, world-famous leader in the spa industry whose cutting-edge treatments go beyond the esthetic to address core issues of health and spiritual well-being. I was to subject myself to a full day of puppy-pampering and report back. Did Dan Rather start out this way, I wonder? Or Hemingway? Of course he was rather more interested in bulls and fish, but to each his own, I always say.

Anyway, Canine Ranch had agreed to give me a much-needed makeover; scan the Before photos and I'll tell you how it came to this pretty pass. It all started with an impulse to try a new groomer recommended by a well-meaning acquaintance (no doubt employing his otherwise unemployable brother-in-law) who ruthlessly snipped off the goatee I had so carefully been cultivating, while leaving my ears dusting the pavement. I think the woman must have been deaf, because when I said, Terrier cut, please, she heard Bichon frise.

Well, that quickly sent me groveling back to my old reliable Planet Poodle** where they know a terrier from a sheep dog, but as in many hectic households where schedules conflict, I had to miss my appointment when my driver was called out of town. As you probably already know, trying to re-book in the middle of the busy tourist season is a bit like calling Vidal Sassoon for a house call, and before you could say Boo!, there I was looking like the Black Sheep of the Family for Hallowe en.

It's not that I'm a blind conformist. Kennel chatter has it that the Kerry Blue Terrier is an unsociable creature, aggressive with other dogs, snappish toward children and strangers. Well, I just don't hold with that sort of thing. I think it's rude to bark at anyone you don't really know well. (Except of course the mailman or letter carrier as they now fancy themselves.) But the long hair thing creates awkward social situations for everyone. Take the other day, when I was out for my afternoon constitutional, and a similarly inclined woman hi-ed us and asked if I was a poodle or a Portuguese Water Dog. With bangs in my eyes, I found it difficult to freeze her with a cold stare, and so she proceeded with the guessing game until it got downright insulting, Cock-a-poo? Labra-doodle? Really! Usually I enjoy chatting up the neighbors, but when the first words out of one's mouth are, No, you dolt! the conversation tends to flag.

Now, I have nothing against these other breeds, in fact, some of my best friends are poodles. (Well, not really, but I didn't want to start off my Canine Column by offending half the population.) I mean, I don't wish to be branded a typical terrier with a superior attitude and all that sort of thing, but hang it all, if a chap's got the good fortune to be a terrier, and a Kerry Blue at that, well, he ought to look it. Saves a lot of embarrassment for everyone, and you don't even have to change for dinner, since you re already in black tie and tails.

So it's Canine Ranch to the rescue. Your ordinary run-of-the-mill groomer might fuss and fume over a teensy bit of matted hair behind the ears or a few itsy-bitsy brambles on the legs and insist there's nothing for it but to strip the canine equivalent of a marine-regulation crew cut. That's because they don't really know what to do if they can't pass an electric clipper across one's back, a fairly challenging task under the best of circumstances with a Kerry Blue's luxuriously thick, wavy coat. At Canine Ranch, however, they are adept in the lost art of the scissor trim, the grooming method of choice for Kerry Blues and other long-haired terriers. They can also do a rejuvenating hand-strip, extracting the fur that's ready to be shed, for Westies, Maltese and other dogs with a double thick coat.

So I made an appointment for the works shampoo, blow dry, brush out, and style, plus pedicure and tooth-brushing--at Canine Ranch's Columbus Avenue salon, in the heart of Manhattan's dog-friendly Upper West Side, just steps from the world-renowned Museum of Natural History, not to mention the Bull Moose Dog Run in Theodore Roosevelt Park on 81st Street. I arrived a touch early, in time to meet a few of the regulars coming in for doggy day care and exchange a few bon mots. Jolly fellows. Then Annie, Annette Guerrier to Uncle Sam, my stylist popped out to escort me to the treatment room.

Now, to be honest, I much prefer my usual mid-morning kip to being suds-ed and brushed and dried, but there it is. It is then that the magic happens, when Annie steps up to the table. Edward Scissorhands they call her. Snip-snip-snip and one is a neat hedgerow. Another snip-snip-snip and one is a runway-ready Kerry Blue Terrier. Any blue-blooded Irishman would want to put his tongue in her ear after that. And I would have, too, if it hadn't been for that little bit of unpleasantness about the ears. Now I know perfectly well that hairy ears are not very GQ, but yikes! I think any of you ladies who have had legs or eyebrows or the so-called Brazilian Bikini waxed will know what I'm talking about. We all suffer a bit for vanity, I expect.

The proof is in the pudding, or so the saying goes, though of course I'm not exactly sure what a few chicken treats have to do with anything. No sooner did I step out onto the Avenue than up scurry two women of a certain age exclaiming What a beautiful coat on that Kerry Blue!

See for yourself here is a pic of me with Annie. Of course, ladies, we all know just how long that fluffy blowout lasts a little bit of humidity and the wave reasserts itself. By the next rainy day, the full Kerry curl is back in force, the soft black ringlets looking like Persian lamb.

Speaking of inclement weather, I stopped to try on a few raincoats from Canine Ranch's fashionable selection. The one that fit best, unfortunately, was this shiny rose-pink number. Now, Details magazine may assure us that it's fine for today's metrosexual to wear pink, but I'm skeptical. After all, I'm not a Kerry pink terrier. In fact, the shop carries quite a variety of glittery gewgaws for girls rhinestone collars and all that sort of thing. And for anyone that really wants to put on the dog, Annie has been known to come up with some corkers. As a publicity stunt, she once did her own dog up to look like a basketball, all orange and stripey. Another time she dyed a poodle pink and painted her toenails to match. Can you imagine being out on a late night stagger, and a chap who's been bending the elbow spots this pink poodle? He d lay off the sauce pretty quick. What a gas!

I should mention that a show cut will set you back $110 if you re a Kerry Blue Terrier like yours truly. Smaller dogs will usually get off cheaper, and you big hairy beasts out there may get a bill commensurate with your avoirdupois, but that's the way it goes.

*Editor's Note: Bertie has obviously confused this fine New York City pet spa with the world-famous Canyon Ranch, with destination spas located in Tucson, AZ and Lenox, MA. See ww
w.canyonra
nch.com for more.

**Planet Poodle Dog Grooming
2200 Belmar Blvd.
Wall, NJ 07719
(732) 280-1010

FYI
Canine Ranch Pet Spa has two locations in Manhattan and one in East Hampton, NY offering full-service grooming as well as day care and overnight boarding at the Columbus Avenue location. Complete grooming includes shampoo, blow dry and brush out, hair cut, toe-nail clipping, ear-cleaning, and expressing of the external anal gland. They will also paint toenails and brush the dog's teeth if you purchase or bring along toothbrush and toothpaste. Canine Ranch has a staff of groomers skilled in a variety of techniques, including scissor-trimming, hand-stripping, as well as electric clippers. They will also do complimentary brush-outs in between grooming appointments. Prices vary according to the dog's size and type and condition of coat. Hair cuts for small dogs range from $55-$75; medium to large dogs run from $75-$125, while the cost for an extra large dog such as a Newfoundland can be $150. See www.canineranchnyc.com for more.

Canine Ranch Pet Spa

Locations:

452A Columbus Avenue (bet. 81st and 82nd)
New York, NY 10024
(212) 787-7387

244 West 72nd Street
New York, NY 10023
(212) 595-7387

38 Park Place
East Hampton, NY 11937
(631) 329-DOGS or 329-3647